I don’t know about you, but I am slightly envious of the people who always seem to have their s*** together. You know who I’m talking about. No matter what happens, the chips always seem to fall their way, their happiness is contagious, and they just genuinely seem to have it together most of the time. They are the people that everyone else is drawn to.
If I had to guess, he or she didn’t just wake up that way. Behind the scenes, there was a lot of patience and practice that went into becoming that person. It took a lot of daily focus, mindfulness, and authority over his or her thoughts. There’s something to be said for being in control of your thoughts and having the ability to be present. It takes patience and practice, and it’s not easy. Those who have mastered the skill are probably more in touch with themselves and those around them than others – they have a high level of emotional intelligence.
Think about it – in any relationship, whether with a spouse or just a good friend, you understand that if one party voices a concern, it benefits both of you if you pay attention and try to correct it. You’ll apologize, and you might fix the problem for a little while, but I would put a high wage on the fact that it’s only a short time before you slip into the old way of thinking. But who wants to stay in a relationship that is constantly hurting someone’s feelings?
Most people are not consistently conscious. Instead, the patterns typically goes like this:
- Person 1: I hate it when you leave the dishes on the counter.
- Person 2: I’m so sorry… I didn’t know it bothered you so much. I’ll stop leaving dishes on the counter.
- Person 1: Ok, cool.
- Person 2: (a week or so later)…I know you don’t like the dishes on the counter so I put them in the sink.
- a few weeks pass by…..
- Person 2: Goes to work and leaves a dish on the counter.
- Person 1: I thought I told you I hate the dishes on the counter? We definitely talked about it….
Minor example, but there are a few things wrong here…. neither side was explicitly clear in what they wanted or were going to do. Person 1 only said what she didn’t like and not what the expectation was, and Person 2 just said she wouldn’t do it, but didn’t explain what she was willing to do. The problem is left open to interpretation, and it actually causes more stress. A second thing is that Person 1 and Person 2 obviously have different levels of importance on this matter, so without being explicitly clear, there is not reason to change personal views. Instead, it’s addressed in the immediate situation, and then we move forward and because it doesn’t register as important or urgent, the habit doesn’t stick.
Simply put, the majority of people live selfishly. That isn’t to say we are selfish people, but our actions and reactions revolve mostly around ourselves and not other people. More inportantly, we don’t put a constant effort into changing habits that are ingrained into our natural reactions and patterns. Yet, in order to evolve and grow, and in order to provide a foundation for a good relationship, we need to be able to A). be aware of what is and isn’t important to us and be able to voice that concisely to others, and B). we have to be able to internalize when someone else has an issue that is important and be willing to change for the good of the relationship. We actually have to be an active participant in changing the habit…every. single. time.
The best part about emotional intelligence is that it is ever changing. We are constantly growing and evolving as humans and as individuals. We have the power to change, and eventually, new habits will form in place of old ones. You just have to be willing to put in the work against yourself for yourself.
The E.I. Insider 